okay so if anyone reads this, i apologize if it is boring.

so to start this off..
i am very happy in my relationship right now.
im really happy to have someone like him in my life..


now heres the part where i vent...

it just sucks that i am so insecure.
i am the person who always seems to be bringing things down.
i can be having the best day and then find something to make it bad..
part of it is my anxiety. i get so nervous in certain situations. im awful with new people.
i always feel like i will never live up to his expectations.
i dont feel like i am physically attractive enough, smart enough, interesting enough..
i dont know why i am so insecure or how i can get over it.
i know i shouldnt care what people think...

i know i am finally in a more safe and secure place now.
my life did a complete turnaround.
i dont smoke, barely drink, and do not drink and drive.
i am not reckless anymore.
i do not lie all the time.
or sleep at random places.
or put myself in bad situations.
and i dont feel a need for any of this negativity to enter my life.

just why the hell do i still find myself in this place?
why cant i feel more comfortable?
im not saying im depressed by any means, or that my problems are worse than yours.
according to most people i have a pretty "perfect" life.
yes, my life is good.
but cant i still be unhappy?
can i still have this great relationship, with a great boy, but still have problems with myself?
i hope i dont fuck things up...

life is all ups and downs...


why do i mainly feel down..


ugh :(

school is done my grades are...

drum roll please..


Introduction to Statistics
A

Ceramics I
A

Physical Science I Lab
B+

Physical Science I
B

History of Costume II
A

Intro to Textiles
A

Introduction to Music
A

Public Speaking
B+

and my GPA is...

.... 3.773

Not bad.

I'm just so happy it's all done with.
Now I just have to survive the summer.

+shopping with mom
+school is almost over
-sean is in wildwood
-i feel as though i only have a few friends
-i never have time to sit and think
+i fell in love with a dress today

+ leaving for aruba in like 6 days
- public speaking online should blow me
- so should my other 6 classes
- my raise at work sucks. i went from making 7.75 to 8.06 fml. seriously
- i am sick. wtf.
- i have work 5 days in a row on top of school and trying to get packed
+ sean is the one thing keeping me sane right now
- i had a complete breakdown in BJ's wtf
- i am so unsure as my major and what i want to do in my future
- why do i have so many minuses?!?!
- i havent started packing
- i should be in bed

Hmm so life right noww.
Work is going okay besides the fact that i still only get paid 7.75 and i have worked there for over a year. bummmerrr raises arent until like may or something.
school is dumb. i hate school.
no, i lied. its okay. i have my friends and we just talk and eat the whole time, but i just hate the actual learning parts.
as for me and sean, we are really good. im really happy with him. he's been nothing but a total sweetheart.
for v-day i got a ring from sean. :) it was really cute of him.

I havent really had time for much else.
Oh and I've still been pretty much sober since november still. except for like two beers lol.

so i havent updated in a while
life is going alot better.
i have my car back and im ungrounded.
i also have a new boyfriend. his name is sean atkinson( he went to HHS lol).. and he is a sweetheart.
he makes me happy and its really awesome to be with someone who is completely the opposite from me.

im working alott...like alot alot...
its cool, i just cant wait for the holidays to be over.
im so done with christmas lol.
retail ruins it!

oh yeah and my grades so far are
B
B+
A
A
A

sweet. i just need to get my other two and hopefully they are good too!
<3

sooo.
my birthday was on sept 27th.
turning 20 sucks.
my birthday was good though.
mike bought me flowers and sushi and we just spent the day together.
this past weekend he bought me my present.
a coach purse!
and i got to pick it out!
i absolutely love it.

Im in my fashion drawing course right now. we are all waiting for the model to get here so we can draw her.
she is running late and this makes me happy.
i suck at drawing...thats why i want to get into merchandising and marketing.
i want to buy and sell.
sounds good :)

i havent thought about where i want to go after BCC, but I hope wherever it is that its fun and not stressful.
I need to start looking because I always wait until the last minute.
I just hate making big decisions...

i get out of this class at 9 and I wish time would go quicker.
I still have homework and I would like to go to bed early.

Oh yeah and reminder to self this past weekend was crazzzzzy. Never doing that again!

its been maybe like 5 ish weeks since i last updated.
but i really dont have anything exciting to tell.
work is going good.
boy- me and him just had our one year. going good.
school is coming around soon. bcc should be interesting.
besides that life is just creepin on by with the same old same old.

no cool stories this time around.
sorrrryyy.
and goodnight.

so heres a small update.
yesterday was me and mikes 11 months. woohoo! haha
yeah i dropped mad money, like 100 bills on food and stuff because i ust wanted to have a day where i didnt care. it felt nice.
i need to be put on more days at VS or i am getting another job.
me and my mom went out today.
we went out to eat at subway and later on panera and did a little shopping, well maybe more than a little. i dropped 50 bills on a pair of shoes! i spent almost a whole paycheck in two days. hurrah.
now im just sitting at home all by my lonesome thinking about how bloated i am and how i have an ass and thighs and my pants size has changed. boo hoo.
and i ate cold stone today. baaad girl.
im going to go take a bubble bath.
peace out.

if you feel like participating im trying to think up some good old memories.
even if you just leave one it will put a smile on my face.
so starting off with the words remember when,
comment me with some memories we shared together : )

good morning!

go to the echelon mall for the semi-annual sale starting the 17th!!!!
<3

sometimes i feel....

hey guys and gals.

just checkin in with everyone. this past week has been busy with the ending of school and working a lot.
i still dont know about the csl position but i do have a few meetings coming up.
part of me hopes to get it and the other part doesnt.
i have really bad cramps right now.
i want to do something exciting this summer.
any ideas?

<3

SOOO...
I'm going to try for CSL at Victorias secret.
Which means I will be in charge of the store and my associates.
i will get to tell people what to do.
And all I have to do is walk around and make sure everyone is doing their job!
And I will get paid more.
Let's keep our fingers crossed that I get it because a lot of other people are applying for the job!
<3

And today I went shopping for 2 women who go to a shelter.
for mothers day.
We are giving them gifts through my work.
I bought the one woman make-up and bath and body products as she requested.
And the other lay asked for shoes for her kids so I bought two pairs of cute sneakers for her little boy and little girl!
It made me feel really good about myself : )

i spent about 2 hours cutting a giant paper pot leaf to perfection to put it on a poster board for my health presentation on friday.

yep. that was like the highlight of my day.

well here we go.
im finally writing again.
these journal entries tend to get further and further apart.

tomorrow i will be attending my great-grandmothers funeral, or who i liked to call my me-mom.
she passed on saturday morning in her sleep.
she was 99.
she always said she would make it to 100.

i guess that wasnt the plan.


i ust cant wait for school to be over.
i need to figure out what im doing with my life.
if i should really pursue fashion.
there is nothing else that really interests me.
i hate all of my classes dealing with english comp and history and health and wellness.
none of it pertains to anything i want to/need to learn in life.

you might think from this entry that my life isnt going too well but besides that stuff it has been pretty nice.
me and mike made tacos today. we have been cooking a lot lately.
i cant wait for summer.

HEY!
I just got home from jamaica!
and it was freaking amazing.
pictures will be up on my facebook and myspace at later times.
but some of the stuff i did was...

- ride like a celebrity in a hummer limo to and from the airport.
- parasailed ( FREAKING BEAUTIFUL)
- went snorkeling
- drank! haha and could purchase alcohol
- won a bottle of rum
- got tan as helll
- made friends with every jamaican who worked at ocho rios
- went kayaking
- got offered pot like five million times
- swam in clear blue water everyyyyday!
- saw some forty something year old womens tits at a bar
- went to margaritaville
- CLIMBED A WATERFALL. (HUUUUUGE waterfall)
- bought mad stuff
- ate really good food.
- went to craft shows, shops, and markets

and the list goes on and on and on.
<3333
good times

my mom, jared, and i gave logan his first taste of snow!
and we even made him a snowman : )

so yeah.
i miss a lot of people.
i cant wait until im done school or at least on a break.
im thinking im going to be catching up with a lot of old friends<3

life is pretty good though.
no complaints here.